CUSTOMER ENCOUNTERS
The Gnome Was Part of the Instructions
I thought it was a joke… until I saw the ring camera watching me do it.
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I thought it was a joke… until I saw the ring camera watching me do it.
I’ve delivered a lot of things, but I’ve never felt more pressure over a condiment.
The customer said, “Just leave it at the door.” The dog had other ideas.
The instructions said not to knock because the dog goes crazy. I set the bag down silently. Then the door opened six inches, a golden retriever grabbed the handles, and disappeared inside. The customer texted, “Delivered?” I replied, “Yes. Your associate accepted it personally.”
The note said, “Leave it on the little table by the door.” I found a very little table, placed the order carefully, and left. Two minutes later: “WHY IS MY DINNER ON MY DAUGHTER’S BARBIE PATIO FURNITURE?” In my defense, it was definitely a little table.
An older woman was waving both arms in the driveway like she was landing an airplane. “ARE YOU THE HAMBURGER MAN?” I said yes. She turned toward the house and yelled, “HAROLD! THE HAMBURGER MAN FOUND US!” Best job title I’ve ever had.
I put the order down and walked away. A giant orange cat immediately sat beside it. The customer asked me to move the food away from the cat. I moved it. The cat followed. I moved it again. The cat followed again. Apparently all deliveries belong to him.
The note said, “Please be careful entering the yard.” I opened the gate and six dachshunds surrounded me. No barking. No biting. They simply escorted me to the porch, watched the pizza handoff, then escorted me back to the gate. Five-star security. Very short employees.
The instructions said, “Hide the order behind Gerald.” There was no Gerald in sight—until I noticed the three-foot garden gnome beside the porch. Gerald and I completed the delivery without incident.
The entire order was one large french fry. Then came the message: “PLEASE make sure there are six ranch cups.” Another message: “Six.” Then: “Not five.” I have never felt more responsibility over a condiment.
I made the delivery and headed back to my car. One duck stood directly behind my rear tire and refused to move. I tried reasoning with him. He stared at me. Seven minutes later, he released me without explanation.
The complex had Buildings 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…and then 8. I drove around twice looking for 7. Finally a resident pointed behind a tree and said, “Oh, seven is over there by twelve.” Of course it is.
I rang the bell holding three pizzas. The door flew open and twelve people yelled, “SURPRISE!” I froze. They froze. Then somebody shouted, “WHO INVITED THE PIZZA GUY?” I said, “Technically, somebody here did.” Biggest laugh I got all week.
At 1:10 a.m. I saw two glowing eyes beside the porch. Then a masked face appeared. I nearly dropped the order before realizing my terrifying customer was a raccoon investigating someone else’s tacos. We agreed to keep our distance.
I delivered to 1420 exactly as the app instructed. A man opened the door, looked at the bag, and said, “I didn’t order this…but I’m emotionally prepared to accept it.” Unfortunately, the correct 1420 was on the next street.
The order was six dozen donuts going to a police station. I walked in carrying the boxes and every officer in the lobby looked at me. One finally said, “Nobody say it.” Nobody did. That somehow made it much funnier.
I carefully placed two drinks beside the front door, took the photo, and stepped away feeling very professional. Then I noticed the door opened outward. I had constructed a beverage barricade. I quietly returned and relocated my engineering project.
A small goat appeared halfway up the driveway and followed me to the porch. I held the salad higher. The goat stood taller. By the time the customer opened the door, we were in a silent negotiation over ownership of the Caesar.
A student ordered one taco. When I arrived, her friends were waiting with balloons. She had just finished her last final and the taco was apparently the official graduation ceremony. I was asked to present it. I did so with dignity.
It was 101 degrees and the customer lived on the third floor. I carried that milkshake like an Olympic torch—up the stairs, around a stroller, past a barking dog. It arrived upright and mostly frozen. I’ve never been prouder of dairy.
The customer ordered one chicken sandwich. The delivery instructions included two landmarks, a mailbox description, a sprinkler warning, and the phrase “you’ll know when you see the flamingo.” I did.
The app said “Hand it to me.” The customer texted, “I’m not home yet, just leave it at the door.” For thirty beautiful seconds, I existed in two delivery realities at once.
Three chihuahuas surrounded my car before I could leave. No barking. Just judgment. I slowly rolled down the window and said, “I already delivered the tacos.” Their silence suggested the account was still delinquent.
I found apartment 302. Then 303. Then 305. I asked a resident where 304 was. He pointed upstairs and said, “Fifth floor.” I asked why. He shrugged. Somewhere, an architect is still laughing.
I rushed an $87 dinner across town because the customer kept messaging, “Please hurry!” I arrived breathless. He opened the bag, looked relieved, and said, “Thank goodness. They remembered the ketchup.”
The instructions began: “You cannot see our house from the road.” Excellent. They continued: “Turn after the dead tree, before the other dead tree.” Even better.
She handed me five dollars. I told her she had already tipped in the app. She said, “Honey, I’m 82. If I’ve got five dollars and you’ve got my chicken, take it.” I took it.
The note said, “Don’t worry about the goose.” There are very few sentences less comforting than that. The goose did, in fact, want me to worry.
A tiny boy opened the door, inspected the pizza like a warehouse manager, and said, “I’ll take it from here.” Then he tried to drag a family-size pizza across the floor with both hands.
Another driver and I arrived at the same house at exactly the same time—me with dinner, her with dessert. We looked at each other. The customer opened the door and said, “Perfect timing!” We both said, “For you.”
The elevator opened on every floor except the one I needed. On my fourth attempt, a resident stepped in and said, “Oh, this elevator hates six.” I appreciated the honesty, if not the engineering.
I knocked. A six-foot inflatable T-Rex opened the door and took the tacos with tiny inflatable arms. A normal human voice from inside said, “Thanks!” I still have questions.
A chicken ran across the driveway, stopped in front of me, and stared directly at the pizza. I finally understood why the chicken crossed the road. Apparently it smelled pepperoni.
The note said, “Please yell HAPPY BIRTHDAY when the door opens.” So I did. The customer looked confused and then yelled back, “OH! That’s today!” Best surprise party attendance: two people.
I stepped into what appeared to be a polite little puddle. It was actually a lake with excellent camouflage. I completed the delivery with one dry sock and a new respect for drainage.
I set down the dessert and took the photo. A squirrel appeared on the railing and watched me leave. I reached the car, looked back, and realized he had moved three feet closer. This was now a tactical situation.
The instructions said “DO NOT RING BELL.” Then underneath: “Bell is broken.” I respected both warnings and spent the rest of the drive wondering what had happened before me.
The delivery note said, “You’ll know the right unit by the sock on the doorknob.” I found three units with socks. Apparently laundry day had become a navigation system.
A college kid apologized for not having cash, grabbed a guitar, and played me a 20-second thank-you song about pizza. Financially, it was worthless. Emotionally, it was at least seven dollars.
A Labrador followed me from the sidewalk to the porch, sat beside the order, and posed perfectly for the delivery photo. The customer messaged, “That is not our dog.” Things escalated quickly.
The instructions literally said, “Knock twice, then meow so I know it’s you.” I considered my dignity, remembered I was being paid, and gave the porch my finest meow. The customer opened the door laughing before I finished.
A man answered the door wearing a towel, grabbed the pizza and said, “Perfect timing—I just got out.” Then he looked at the pizza and added, “Actually, you got here before I did.” I decided not to investigate.
The gate instructions said, “Code: Call Steve.” That was not a code. I called Steve. Steve said, “Oh yeah, I forgot the code too.” Together, Steve and I waited for somebody else to enter.
The directions said, “House with Christmas lights.” It was July. I assumed the note was old until I turned the corner and found enough lights to guide aircraft. Delivery accomplished by holiday spirit.
A cat sat on the porch and examined every movement I made with the sushi bag. When the customer opened the door, the cat tried to enter with the food. Customer said, “He doesn’t live here.” Apparently he was freelance quality control.
One french fry somehow escaped the sealed bag and landed on my passenger seat. I stared at it for ten minutes wondering whether this was a test. I delivered the order and left the fugitive fry untouched.
I delivered tacos to a hospital at midnight. A nurse met me downstairs and whispered, “You have no idea what you’re carrying.” Judging by the cheering behind her, apparently I had delivered morale.
Four milkshakes. Third floor. No elevator. Halfway up I realized I was holding more unstable liquid than a chemistry lab. All four survived. I deserve a tiny diploma.
A rabbit sat beside the front steps while I delivered a salad. He watched the bag, then watched me, then watched the bag again. I have never felt so judged for withholding lettuce.
I delivered two dozen donuts to a fitness center. The receptionist saw the boxes and said, “Put them behind the desk before the trainers see.” I have never participated in a more delicious conspiracy.
I set a lemonade down and immediately three bees arrived. I moved it. They moved with it. The customer opened the door and said, “Oh, they’re back.” Apparently this was an established account.
The directions said, “Turn left at the giant chicken.” I laughed until I saw a twelve-foot fiberglass chicken wearing sunglasses. From that moment forward, I trusted every word.
Three wild turkeys blocked the driveway and stared at my car like I had failed inspection. Eventually one stepped aside. I drove through slowly while the other two supervised.
At midnight I stepped onto a dark porch and a motion-activated Halloween decoration screamed, “WELCOME, MORTAL!” I nearly launched the pizza into low Earth orbit. It was March.
A librarian met me outside for her sandwich and whispered, “Thank you.” I whispered, “You’re welcome.” Then we both realized we were standing outside and started laughing at ourselves.
The porch had a life-size mannequin sitting in a chair. I apologized to it for blocking the walkway before realizing what it was. The door camera definitely captured the entire conversation.
The instructions said, “Follow the train tracks.” They meant miniature train tracks running through the front yard. A tiny locomotive passed my shoe carrying a sign that said WELCOME DELIVERY DRIVER. Ten out of ten.
It was freezing. I dropped one glove while carrying two burritos and a drink. I chose the burritos. Somewhere on that sidewalk is a glove that understands sacrifice.
An older dog gently carried the customer's empty delivery bag back toward me after the handoff. His owner laughed and said, “He still thinks everything is a job.” Best coworker I met all day.
The customer wrote, “Please don’t put food in front of the door—it opens outward.” Finally, someone understood. I placed it safely to the side and felt like civilization had advanced.
A teacher ordered cookies to the school and asked me to hand them to the night custodian as a thank-you. He looked at the box, smiled, and said, “Nobody ever delivers anything for me.” That one stayed with me.
A huge lizard sat beside the welcome mat and watched me place the order. I asked, “We good?” He blinked once. I interpreted that as authorization.
I approached every speed bump like I was transporting a sleeping baby. The soup arrived intact. My suspension and nervous system did not.
The note said, “Porch light is on.” Every house on the street was completely dark. Then I spotted one tiny solar garden light illuminating a ceramic frog. Apparently that counted.
I arrived during backyard karaoke. Before they would accept the burgers, somebody handed me a microphone. I sang one line of Sweet Caroline, surrendered the food, and retired undefeated.
A teenager ordered pancakes for her dad after his overnight shift and asked me to write “You made it!” on the bag. He read it, smiled, and immediately knew who sent it.
A goat followed me onto the porch and bumped the doorbell with his nose. The customer opened the door and said, “Kevin! Stop helping!” So yes, the goat had a name, and yes, Kevin apparently has priors.
I placed the pizza down for the photo. First a kid jumped into frame. Then Dad. Then Grandma. Then the dog. The final proof-of-delivery picture looked like a family Christmas card featuring pepperoni.
A duck followed me from the parking lot to the apartment entrance because apparently a cardboard drink carrier resembles fine dining. I had to explain to a duck that none of the beverages were his.
An older gentleman met me at the door and said the pasta was for his wife because it was their anniversary and he could no longer drive at night. Then he whispered, “Don’t tell her I forgot until this afternoon.”
Construction had removed the street sign, sidewalk and apparently every recognizable landmark. The customer finally stood outside waving a bath towel like an airport marshal. Tacos landed safely.
The instructions said not to knock because of the dogs. I didn’t. My phone notification made a tiny ding. From inside came the sound of what appeared to be forty-seven wolves. They knew.
A parent opened the door holding a toddler. The toddler pointed at the milkshake and yelled, “MINE!” The parent said, “It’s actually mine.” The negotiations deteriorated immediately.
The hotel elevator offered floors 1, 2, 3 and 5. I asked the desk about room 412. The clerk sighed and said, “Yeah, that happens.” I still don't know what that meant.
A gust of wind turned my umbrella inside out while I was carrying pizza. I saved the pizza, lost the umbrella, and arrived looking like I had personally fought the weather. Technically, I had.
At 12:30 a.m. a black cat silently appeared beside my ankle while I was taking the delivery photo. I discovered I can jump surprisingly high while holding a phone.
The delivery pin ended at a boat ramp. I called the customer. He said, “Look toward the lake.” A man in a fishing boat waved. I walked the burger to the dock. That was officially waterfront dining.
The customer opened the door and the dog ignored the dinner completely but stared directly at the cookie bag. Either he can read labels or this was not his first delivery.
The navigation proudly announced that I had arrived. I was surrounded by corn. I called the customer. He said, “Yeah, GPS does that.” Useful information, ideally provided before the corn.
A customer saw the pizza through the window and started doing a full victory dance before opening the door. I pretended not to see it. He pretended it never happened. The doorbell camera knows the truth.
A tortoise was crossing the walkway when I arrived. I stepped around him, made the delivery, and came back. Somehow he was already at the porch. I suspect shortcuts.
I was lost in an apartment courtyard and called for directions. A phone rang directly behind me. The customer was sitting on a bench watching me walk in circles. He said, “I wanted to see how long it took.”
The driveway looked like a ski jump. I parked at the bottom and climbed with two drinks held perfectly level. At the top, the customer said, “Most drivers just drive up.” Most drivers are braver than me.
The rooster blocked the gate and made direct eye contact. The customer texted, “Just walk past him.” Easy advice from someone safely inside the house.
I delivered six pizzas to a fire station. Before I left, the crew got a call and moved instantly. One firefighter grabbed a box and yelled, “Dinner’s coming with us!” I hope the pizza enjoyed the ride.
A neighborhood dog heard my car, saw the insulated bag, and sprinted toward me like I was an ice cream truck. His disappointment when I delivered noodles was deeply personal.
The instructions said, “Hide behind the plant.” The plant was six inches tall. I balanced the bag behind it anyway. Technically hidden, assuming the customer was an ant.
A man in full wizard robes answered the door. I assumed costume party. He took the bag and said, “Your quest is complete.” No party sounds. No explanation. Five-star encounter.
The customer opened the door wearing a dress shirt, tie, pajama shorts and one slipper. He looked at me, looked down, and said, “Work from home.” No further explanation was necessary.
A squirrel froze beside the sandwich bag during my photo. The picture made it look like he was the recipient. I moved the bag. He moved too. Apparently he wanted documentation.
I pressed the bell once. Music started. It kept going. And going. By the time the customer opened the door, we were both standing respectfully through the final notes.
At a rural delivery, a horse walked over and stuck his head through my open passenger window while I checked the address. I have never locked eyes with someone so interested in tacos.
I crossed the lawn exactly as the sprinklers turned on. I dodged left. They rotated left. I dodged right. They rotated right. The homeowner's irrigation system had excellent tracking.
She ordered one donut and a coffee. When I handed it over, she said, “At my age, if I want one donut delivered across town, I’ve earned it.” I could not argue with the mathematics.
Three dogs sat in a perfect row behind the glass door watching me place the food. Not one barked. Their synchronized head tilt when I stood up was frankly professional.
The map pin sat directly in the community pool. I called the customer and said, “Unless you’re underwater, I think the pin is wrong.” He laughed and walked out of Building C.
The student opened the door surrounded by textbooks and said, “You may have just saved my GPA.” I said, “It’s pepperoni, not tutoring.” She said, “Same thing tonight.”
A crow landed beside the order and picked at the receipt before I could leave. I shooed him away. He came back. Apparently accounting needed documentation.
A gust of wind stole the wrapped straw from the drink carrier. I chased it half a block because at that point it was about principle, not plastic.
A motion sensor inside a porch pumpkin followed me with glowing eyes while I set down noodles. The customer later messaged, “Sorry about Frank.” Of course his name was Frank.
A little home robot rolled onto the porch with a basket attached. The customer spoke through it: “Put the food in the basket.” I obeyed. The robot turned around and left without tipping me emotionally.
A family ordered several pizzas and met me outside. Before I left, the dad handed me a paper plate with one slice and said, “Drivers need dinner too.” Best return trip to my car all week.
Before I could knock, a parrot inside yelled, “FOOD’S HERE!” The customer opened the door laughing and said, “He recognizes the delivery bags now.” I have officially been replaced by a bird.
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